Fluffy cloudy thoughts

Sometimes, you just feel that you think too much. I always have so many things in my head and I don't know how to express myself. I just keep thinking. But sometimes, I can be really stupid too. Like, I do not use my brain before I do anything and just let it rot. I am stupid and I am not. I am thinking and I am not. I am guessing and I am not. Sometimes you just feel so tired from explaining or even understanding you don't care anymore.

Sometimes I feel so much that my heart feels like its gonna burst while other times I feel so numb and monotone. Humans are such interesting characters. They have the ability to make the simplest thing complicated and the most complicated things simple. I though Life can be simple, but now I'm having second thoughts. I guess everything is about our mindset. The way we see things and the way we want things to be seen. What is right to you may be wrong to others. But is it really their fault? Or is it really your fault? I don't know man. I feel like I'm so grey and I'm beginning to dislike this grey state I'm in. Its like I don't have a stand in anything. Like everyone is right, yet wrong at the same time.

Even my thoughts are jumbled up. I'm not gonna read through what I've wrote because it will just confused me more. I just needed a place to note all these thoughts down and go to bed. But even after this, the fluffy little thoughts are still floating around in my mind. Don't ask me why its fluffy. I just thought of them to be fluffy. haha

I'm so weird sometimes. But its okay. Its interesting.

Hey

So, I'm looking through my blog and I find myself amusing and embarrassing. Haha, my posts have such rawness in them. I guess its good and bad at the same time. Hope I have matured a bit more than I was yesterday.

Im listening to The Suburbs by Arcade Fire.
"Sometimes I can't believe it, I'm moving past the feeling"

Came across this song through 8tracks.com Its a really cool website, there's playlists for the genres you like. I like indie music a lot. haha, they are so sad, yet can be upbeat at the same time. Such an interesting combination. Now the song playing is Paper Window Dreams by Jeff Pianki, it so sad and slow and again, really sad.

Haha, I just felt like doing a post. This post is meaningless and random. If anyone ever reads my blog, I want to apologise for such a lame post and wasting your time. haha.

Life is cool.

Friend

Why do I always have to try so hard to make you happy just so that you can hurt me in the end?

You need to stop hurting me. Or should I say I need to stop trying to get this friendship back. I need to learn to let go. You just showed me how much you don't need me in your life and how unimportant I am. I don't know what to do, or how am I suppose to react. I don't even want to get angry at you anymore. Its just so tiring. & nothing gets into your head. But you're so important to me. Or maybe you were.

Just because you have a boyfriend, you're forsaking our friendship? Ah, whatever. I don't wanna care anymore.



I'm done.

P.S. 3 seconds after this post was posted, I wasn't angry anymore. Lol, I am such an idiot. haha.

You

So, I had a dream about you.

Its been a long time since I dreamt about you. If not for this dream, I would have forgotten about how happy we were, how much I used to rely on you & how madly in love we were.

It was so crazy. The dream felt so real. You were just beside me. We were so intimate and comfortable. I snuggled my face against yours in the dream, held your hand and took in your scent. As if everything happened yesterday.

I can't believe I still miss you after 2 years. It hasn't been long. But it hasn't been short too. Well, what did I expect. You were my first love.

Then I realise that I am really inconsistent in the things I say. Are humans all like that? haha. A few post before this I was still ranting about how I want to really love once. So contradicting. But it still remains a fact that I want to love, though this time, I hope I will be able to do it properly & not hold back like how I did when I was with you.

So.. How have you been lately? Have you been eating well? Sleeping early? I hope your mood swings are better now. & I hope you're a lot happier now than before. Lets say..by ten folds? haha. See you around my dear.

Time (self)

Sometimes, you just need a little time on your own.
Its not as if you're being selfish.
Or that you're being self-obsessed.
Or that you're being anti-social.
But we all need that little time for ourselves, to think, to reflect & to grow.

Frustrations

I have so much anger in me these days. I can barely calm down. Need to go for some yoga lessons.

Weak

Things that does not make you weak:

Being a listener 

Being unpopular

Staying quiet does

Being socially awkward

Being kids who do not get recognised 

Dressing in dull style

Having no money

Buying cheap things 

Being the least trendy person 

Being extremely sentimental 

Being a follower

Speaking up for yourself or your cause 

Standing up for something that you think is right when the rest of the world just sits and watch 

What makes you weak is when you decide to betray yourself and be someone else.

Love for once

I've come to realise that I don't know how to love. If I find myself getting attracted to someone but there's no way the person will like me, I can just disregard my feelings. As if they were nonexistence. It like having a switch. I can decide when I want to turn on the power and when I want it off. Most of the time I would prefer it to be off. To save electricity.. Or to protect myself from getting electrocuted. Occasionally, there will be cases of malfunctioning. But its no big deal. I just have to learn how to fix it and have a better control. I don't know how to stop this behaviour of mine.

Even if it wasn't one sided, I still can't. I do not have the guts putting in my all. Why? I tried, but I really don't know how to do it. It feels so foreign. Like asking asking an eagle to swim in the ocean, or wearing your shoes on your hands.

Maybe I haven't found the one person that I will go crazy for. I hope so because I want to love for once. I want to know how it feels.

Love

I hate doing this. I hate listening to you talk about your relationships. I hate knowing about how affected you are by your partner. I hate how your partner have a ability to make you upset. I hate to know how you care and love your partner. But I want to know. Even though I know I will never be a part of it. I don't know why. But please, please please please, don't let me fall for you. I'm praying so hard.

Its okay, time will heal this aching of mine.

Take what you need, and be on your way. & stop crying your heart out.

This song leaves so many memories.

Crush

Its Thursday. She rolled out of bed and stretch her half awake body. Today is gonna be a good day! She exclaimed. Just like every other day, she went to drink a glass of water and check herself out in the mirror. Used a hairband to hold her bangs up, she looked at her eyebrows. "Its such a hassle to be a girl," she mumbled and starts to shape her eyebrows herself. "Ouh, ouch, oh oh ouh" she whimpered as she shape her eyebrows. After finishing, she went to pack her bag for school and bathed and checked out her legs. Time for some waxing, babies. She thought. She took out the wax strips and her laptop and started to watch Avatar, the legend of Aang. Its just a normal and boring day. She thought. Clean up and off she go.

Reaching school, she went to class. Today is Thursday. That means she gets to see someone. Her eye candy~ She begin smiling to herself while she make her way to the classroom. Lightheartedly, she pushed open the door. She greeted the teacher and look for her usual sit and saw him. He was sitting diagonally in front of her. She was so surprised! Jackpot! She giggled to herself. Out of a sudden, he turned! And.. talked to her! Oh my god. Caught by surprise, she sat up a little too straight and stared at him for a moment too long. "Hey, have you form your group yet?" He looked at her, wide eyed. "Um.. Yeah I did." She replied after a moment. Her heart was almost bursting out from her chest. He turned back and begin filling up some forms. She sat there, fixated, trying to digest what just happened. Then she started to smile at herself, uncontrollably and gazed longingly at his back. Today is an awesome day. She thought. :)

Mad

What do you do when you get so mad you wanna do something?

Sometimes I feel that my tolerance level is actually pretty good. But sometimes I just wanna punch someone in the face. Is it true that when they say when you're nearing adulthood you will have to urge to move out of your house? But my parents did so much for me. Why do I always quarrel with them? I make them so mad and they drive me crazy. I shouldn't get angry, I should apologise, I should try to talk to them. But seriously. How do I do that?!

Need to calm down and start doing some work. This is really hard.

Just another story

She was flipping through her old books from the time she started her education. 'So adorable' she thought, as she browsed through some of her old diaries. Her young and childish thoughts were amusing and ridiculous. After enough of making fun of her old self, she packed up the diaries and wanted to put them back into the selves. Then something in the corner caught her eye. It was a black book. What's this? she eyed the book with curiosity and reached out for it. The colour of the black book was fading, there were a lot of marks on the cover, showing that it has been handled countless of times. When did I have this book? It looks so delicate. She wondered as she open the book. 

There were 2 letters in blue. One was cut out in the shape of a dinosaur with well wishes for a illness. It was obviously made from someone who's in love, given to someone who's being loved. The next letter was more delicate, about the feelings one had for the other and how much one can't live without the other. Then on the first page, there was a drawing. It was pretty bad, but through the sketches and details, it seems that the owner spent a lot of effort on the drawing. It depicts a.. whale tail being hooked up from the sea. However, there was no sign of the whale body. The picture was so dark as though it was screaming desperation. The next page was just song lyrics in italic wordings. She flipped through a few pages and found conversations. There were 2 person conversing, just mainly about what they are going to eat and how much they miss each other. Both handwriting was in italic, but one was smaller and neater than the other. The smaller handwriting was always cheering the other up. Owner of the smaller handwriting obviously loves the other write a lot. He/she was always tolerant of whatever the other writer wrote and tried all ways to cheer the other writer up. There were some sex convo going on too. Like how much they desire each other and want to get into each others faces. Then it stopped.

Next few pages was about exams, the one who wrote about it was desperately trying to get better for exams. The author was so agitated yet depressed. Then there were notes on what should be done.

Then there were nothing.

Hey, this doesn't seem to be my book. She thought. Turning the book to the back, she inspected the corners and found a small carving of 2 names. Her name along with another person. 

What?

Howl's Moving Castle

Am suppose to be doing my essay on "Compare and contrast the roles of non-profit organisations vis-à-vis social enterprises with regards to benefiting society."

But Joe Hisaishi's 25 Year Concert in Budokan started playing on my playlist. Its a 1 hour 56 min long concert. I love it. Then as I was thinking of how to do my essay, the theme song for Howl's Moving Castle came on and I halt all actions. Its just so beautiful it demanded my full attention on it. I sat on my bed, looking out of my window and listening to this beautifully made piece. Joe is a genius. I love all his productions. It suited all the movies perfectly. It will leave you breathless. Literally. I held my breathe at some parts. It was just so.. Amazing. And the movie is so perfect. Its my favourite movie. Howl's Moving Castle is a movie directed by Hayao Miyazaki. He is a genius film maker. There's so much to his movies. At first glance, they may be just cartoons to you. But as the movie proceeds, it will suck you in, It will make its way through your heart and give it a gentle touch. So gentle you will be left speechless. Well, that was how I experienced it. It may seem exaggerating to you, but its real for me. The love in Howl's is so great, so pure, so real. I love it. I always need time to recover from the movie and the music. haha Insane much.

I wish I can feel this in a real life experience. haha

Catch it if you haven't. You wouldn't regret it.

Running thoughts

I am suppose to be doing my essay on Non-profit/government organisation versus Social enterprise, but I'm tired and sleepy and there's so many things going through my mind but I have no idea what am I really thinking about. I feel so confused and restless.

Things running through my mind:
- Essay
- Movie that I've watched today, 'The Call, which is really interesting and exciting. The ending is just not of my preference
- How my friendship with the person I watched movie today turned so awkward
- How Singapore has so many pretty girls and I'm just not one of them
- Asexuality, feeling as though I have no interest anymore
- How to start a conversation with my Mum and act as though nothing happened
- Bed
- And many more

I wanna migrate and open my own shop. Its so hard to sustain in Singapore.

I miss New Zealand..

Wrong?

He slowly approaches the master bedroom, preparing himself for the night. Turning the knob of the door, he took a peep into the room. His breathing turned from heavy to shallow. Nervousness turned into anticipation. This can't be real, he thought. Slowly but surely, he makes he way to the white sheets in the middle of the room. There he was. Lower half of his body was covered under the sheet. His tanned skin matches the sheets perfectly, like they were made to belong together. His breath were short and shallow. He felt something in his throat and he tried to clear it by swallowing. Carefully, he began to close into the bed, moving nearer to his deepest secret.

Is this wrong? 

Hang in there

Back to school.

However, this time, its kinda new, like I was in my first year. Just more awkward. Sigh. So complicated. Why are humans so complicated? I wish I could just say and do whatever I want or feel like.

Oh well, this is my last year. Gonna buck up. I have to do this shit man.

Fam

Heh heh, I'm blogging again.

Had the feel to do it again tonight. ;)

Recently my mood has been fluctuating. Maybe its because my period is late? But my temper and attitude has worsen so much I'm starting to wonder otherwise. Is it because I'm changing? Previously, if my mother comes and nag/scold, I will just keep quiet or reassure her that I will be okay. However, these days I get so annoyed and angry whenever she scolds me. Is this part of growing up? But I'm already turning 19. Something's not right. Maybe I should try to communicate with her more. Maybe we lack understanding with each other. I know my mom loves me. & she definitely cares for me. Maybe she's expressing it in the wrong way, or I'm accepting it with the wrong mindset. Gotta do something about this man. If this goes on, I would dread going home. & that is the last thing I want to feel. I know I'm not a family person. Everyone except my family thinks that I am. But I'm not. I'm just good at keeping quiet. Even though I'm not, I still love my family.

There was once I was talking to Dad about travelling because I've always wanted to do bag packing. He pretty much like the idea, but the last thing he told me was 'but at the end of the day, please remember to come home'. I didn't know how to reply, so I just said, 'yeah, I definitely will.'

Well, I don't know what I really am thinking and how I really am feeling. Can't find any words to describe. I just want everyone to be happy in the family. I wanna go home smiling and telling them about my day. I wanna do the house chores with my brother without being scolded by mom. I wanna sit down and have heart to heart talk. I wanna let them know what is going on in my life and I wanna know what's going on in theirs.

Ah well, gonna have to work towards it.

Ending off here. Its pretty late & I would like to catch on some sleep I've lost the previous night. Sorry for the bad English.

Oh and I wanted to post a photo and came across this. So true man. My mom loves me so much more than I love her, Don't ever know how I'm going to repay her. Thanks mom. Thanks for everything.



P.S. I really wanna change my blog template but idk how. Will take some time to explore.. hmm.

Up

I hate waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall back to sleep.
Sometimes I wonder why it will happen, it is because our brain decides that it is time for us to do some reflecting? Well, I would really wanna have a goodnight sleep now, but I can see that its not happening now.

Its already 4 45am in the morning. Tomorrow I have to go out for valentine's day. Of course I don't have a date, but at least let me look presentable. What's so hard about that? I just wanna look like I have sufficient sleep.

Just felt like doing a short post. Haven't blog in so long. & the first post is actually a rant. lol. Oh well.

Waiting for it to be morning so I will be distracted with the morning 'song'. By morning 'song', I meant people going to work, the start of cars, buses, LRTs, the sounds of birds waking up and even people walking. Sometimes, these music are good. It shows that I am not alone.

Sidetracking from being alone, haha. Sometimes I wanna help people through the enterprise that I wanna start, but my cause for animals is actually so much stronger than it is for human .

I feel that the problems that human beings (us) face is created by ourselves. However, the problems that animals face, I'm not just talking about animals in Singapore which are mainly domestic. I'm talking about animals all over the world, in the jungle, lakes, sea, rainforest, mountains, deserts, cold places, hot places, everywhere. The problems that they faced, are created by humans. Shouldn't people care for them too? We are the ones who are responsible for this mess that they did not signed up for. Sigh. I don't know man. Sometimes I'm a coward because I do not dare to post about what I think. I know nobody actually even read this. But what if something I said is wrong and it goes viral? lol.

I'm such a pussy.

Its getting more happening around my area. Gonna try sleeping with the morning 'song'. Its soothing. Try listening to it in a different perspective. :)

Goodnight/morning

P.S. My English is so bad. Limited vocab, sloppy grammar. Bleh. Screw it. Life is good. (Y)