You

So, I had a dream about you.

Its been a long time since I dreamt about you. If not for this dream, I would have forgotten about how happy we were, how much I used to rely on you & how madly in love we were.

It was so crazy. The dream felt so real. You were just beside me. We were so intimate and comfortable. I snuggled my face against yours in the dream, held your hand and took in your scent. As if everything happened yesterday.

I can't believe I still miss you after 2 years. It hasn't been long. But it hasn't been short too. Well, what did I expect. You were my first love.

Then I realise that I am really inconsistent in the things I say. Are humans all like that? haha. A few post before this I was still ranting about how I want to really love once. So contradicting. But it still remains a fact that I want to love, though this time, I hope I will be able to do it properly & not hold back like how I did when I was with you.

So.. How have you been lately? Have you been eating well? Sleeping early? I hope your mood swings are better now. & I hope you're a lot happier now than before. Lets say..by ten folds? haha. See you around my dear.

Time (self)

Sometimes, you just need a little time on your own.
Its not as if you're being selfish.
Or that you're being self-obsessed.
Or that you're being anti-social.
But we all need that little time for ourselves, to think, to reflect & to grow.

Frustrations

I have so much anger in me these days. I can barely calm down. Need to go for some yoga lessons.

Weak

Things that does not make you weak:

Being a listener 

Being unpopular

Staying quiet does

Being socially awkward

Being kids who do not get recognised 

Dressing in dull style

Having no money

Buying cheap things 

Being the least trendy person 

Being extremely sentimental 

Being a follower

Speaking up for yourself or your cause 

Standing up for something that you think is right when the rest of the world just sits and watch 

What makes you weak is when you decide to betray yourself and be someone else.

Love for once

I've come to realise that I don't know how to love. If I find myself getting attracted to someone but there's no way the person will like me, I can just disregard my feelings. As if they were nonexistence. It like having a switch. I can decide when I want to turn on the power and when I want it off. Most of the time I would prefer it to be off. To save electricity.. Or to protect myself from getting electrocuted. Occasionally, there will be cases of malfunctioning. But its no big deal. I just have to learn how to fix it and have a better control. I don't know how to stop this behaviour of mine.

Even if it wasn't one sided, I still can't. I do not have the guts putting in my all. Why? I tried, but I really don't know how to do it. It feels so foreign. Like asking asking an eagle to swim in the ocean, or wearing your shoes on your hands.

Maybe I haven't found the one person that I will go crazy for. I hope so because I want to love for once. I want to know how it feels.

Love

I hate doing this. I hate listening to you talk about your relationships. I hate knowing about how affected you are by your partner. I hate how your partner have a ability to make you upset. I hate to know how you care and love your partner. But I want to know. Even though I know I will never be a part of it. I don't know why. But please, please please please, don't let me fall for you. I'm praying so hard.

Its okay, time will heal this aching of mine.

Take what you need, and be on your way. & stop crying your heart out.

This song leaves so many memories.

Crush

Its Thursday. She rolled out of bed and stretch her half awake body. Today is gonna be a good day! She exclaimed. Just like every other day, she went to drink a glass of water and check herself out in the mirror. Used a hairband to hold her bangs up, she looked at her eyebrows. "Its such a hassle to be a girl," she mumbled and starts to shape her eyebrows herself. "Ouh, ouch, oh oh ouh" she whimpered as she shape her eyebrows. After finishing, she went to pack her bag for school and bathed and checked out her legs. Time for some waxing, babies. She thought. She took out the wax strips and her laptop and started to watch Avatar, the legend of Aang. Its just a normal and boring day. She thought. Clean up and off she go.

Reaching school, she went to class. Today is Thursday. That means she gets to see someone. Her eye candy~ She begin smiling to herself while she make her way to the classroom. Lightheartedly, she pushed open the door. She greeted the teacher and look for her usual sit and saw him. He was sitting diagonally in front of her. She was so surprised! Jackpot! She giggled to herself. Out of a sudden, he turned! And.. talked to her! Oh my god. Caught by surprise, she sat up a little too straight and stared at him for a moment too long. "Hey, have you form your group yet?" He looked at her, wide eyed. "Um.. Yeah I did." She replied after a moment. Her heart was almost bursting out from her chest. He turned back and begin filling up some forms. She sat there, fixated, trying to digest what just happened. Then she started to smile at herself, uncontrollably and gazed longingly at his back. Today is an awesome day. She thought. :)

Mad

What do you do when you get so mad you wanna do something?

Sometimes I feel that my tolerance level is actually pretty good. But sometimes I just wanna punch someone in the face. Is it true that when they say when you're nearing adulthood you will have to urge to move out of your house? But my parents did so much for me. Why do I always quarrel with them? I make them so mad and they drive me crazy. I shouldn't get angry, I should apologise, I should try to talk to them. But seriously. How do I do that?!

Need to calm down and start doing some work. This is really hard.

Just another story

She was flipping through her old books from the time she started her education. 'So adorable' she thought, as she browsed through some of her old diaries. Her young and childish thoughts were amusing and ridiculous. After enough of making fun of her old self, she packed up the diaries and wanted to put them back into the selves. Then something in the corner caught her eye. It was a black book. What's this? she eyed the book with curiosity and reached out for it. The colour of the black book was fading, there were a lot of marks on the cover, showing that it has been handled countless of times. When did I have this book? It looks so delicate. She wondered as she open the book. 

There were 2 letters in blue. One was cut out in the shape of a dinosaur with well wishes for a illness. It was obviously made from someone who's in love, given to someone who's being loved. The next letter was more delicate, about the feelings one had for the other and how much one can't live without the other. Then on the first page, there was a drawing. It was pretty bad, but through the sketches and details, it seems that the owner spent a lot of effort on the drawing. It depicts a.. whale tail being hooked up from the sea. However, there was no sign of the whale body. The picture was so dark as though it was screaming desperation. The next page was just song lyrics in italic wordings. She flipped through a few pages and found conversations. There were 2 person conversing, just mainly about what they are going to eat and how much they miss each other. Both handwriting was in italic, but one was smaller and neater than the other. The smaller handwriting was always cheering the other up. Owner of the smaller handwriting obviously loves the other write a lot. He/she was always tolerant of whatever the other writer wrote and tried all ways to cheer the other writer up. There were some sex convo going on too. Like how much they desire each other and want to get into each others faces. Then it stopped.

Next few pages was about exams, the one who wrote about it was desperately trying to get better for exams. The author was so agitated yet depressed. Then there were notes on what should be done.

Then there were nothing.

Hey, this doesn't seem to be my book. She thought. Turning the book to the back, she inspected the corners and found a small carving of 2 names. Her name along with another person. 

What?