Fluffy cloudy thoughts

Sometimes, you just feel that you think too much. I always have so many things in my head and I don't know how to express myself. I just keep thinking. But sometimes, I can be really stupid too. Like, I do not use my brain before I do anything and just let it rot. I am stupid and I am not. I am thinking and I am not. I am guessing and I am not. Sometimes you just feel so tired from explaining or even understanding you don't care anymore.

Sometimes I feel so much that my heart feels like its gonna burst while other times I feel so numb and monotone. Humans are such interesting characters. They have the ability to make the simplest thing complicated and the most complicated things simple. I though Life can be simple, but now I'm having second thoughts. I guess everything is about our mindset. The way we see things and the way we want things to be seen. What is right to you may be wrong to others. But is it really their fault? Or is it really your fault? I don't know man. I feel like I'm so grey and I'm beginning to dislike this grey state I'm in. Its like I don't have a stand in anything. Like everyone is right, yet wrong at the same time.

Even my thoughts are jumbled up. I'm not gonna read through what I've wrote because it will just confused me more. I just needed a place to note all these thoughts down and go to bed. But even after this, the fluffy little thoughts are still floating around in my mind. Don't ask me why its fluffy. I just thought of them to be fluffy. haha

I'm so weird sometimes. But its okay. Its interesting.

Hey

So, I'm looking through my blog and I find myself amusing and embarrassing. Haha, my posts have such rawness in them. I guess its good and bad at the same time. Hope I have matured a bit more than I was yesterday.

Im listening to The Suburbs by Arcade Fire.
"Sometimes I can't believe it, I'm moving past the feeling"

Came across this song through 8tracks.com Its a really cool website, there's playlists for the genres you like. I like indie music a lot. haha, they are so sad, yet can be upbeat at the same time. Such an interesting combination. Now the song playing is Paper Window Dreams by Jeff Pianki, it so sad and slow and again, really sad.

Haha, I just felt like doing a post. This post is meaningless and random. If anyone ever reads my blog, I want to apologise for such a lame post and wasting your time. haha.

Life is cool.

Friend

Why do I always have to try so hard to make you happy just so that you can hurt me in the end?

You need to stop hurting me. Or should I say I need to stop trying to get this friendship back. I need to learn to let go. You just showed me how much you don't need me in your life and how unimportant I am. I don't know what to do, or how am I suppose to react. I don't even want to get angry at you anymore. Its just so tiring. & nothing gets into your head. But you're so important to me. Or maybe you were.

Just because you have a boyfriend, you're forsaking our friendship? Ah, whatever. I don't wanna care anymore.



I'm done.

P.S. 3 seconds after this post was posted, I wasn't angry anymore. Lol, I am such an idiot. haha.

You

So, I had a dream about you.

Its been a long time since I dreamt about you. If not for this dream, I would have forgotten about how happy we were, how much I used to rely on you & how madly in love we were.

It was so crazy. The dream felt so real. You were just beside me. We were so intimate and comfortable. I snuggled my face against yours in the dream, held your hand and took in your scent. As if everything happened yesterday.

I can't believe I still miss you after 2 years. It hasn't been long. But it hasn't been short too. Well, what did I expect. You were my first love.

Then I realise that I am really inconsistent in the things I say. Are humans all like that? haha. A few post before this I was still ranting about how I want to really love once. So contradicting. But it still remains a fact that I want to love, though this time, I hope I will be able to do it properly & not hold back like how I did when I was with you.

So.. How have you been lately? Have you been eating well? Sleeping early? I hope your mood swings are better now. & I hope you're a lot happier now than before. Lets say..by ten folds? haha. See you around my dear.

Time (self)

Sometimes, you just need a little time on your own.
Its not as if you're being selfish.
Or that you're being self-obsessed.
Or that you're being anti-social.
But we all need that little time for ourselves, to think, to reflect & to grow.

Frustrations

I have so much anger in me these days. I can barely calm down. Need to go for some yoga lessons.

Weak

Things that does not make you weak:

Being a listener 

Being unpopular

Staying quiet does

Being socially awkward

Being kids who do not get recognised 

Dressing in dull style

Having no money

Buying cheap things 

Being the least trendy person 

Being extremely sentimental 

Being a follower

Speaking up for yourself or your cause 

Standing up for something that you think is right when the rest of the world just sits and watch 

What makes you weak is when you decide to betray yourself and be someone else.

Love for once

I've come to realise that I don't know how to love. If I find myself getting attracted to someone but there's no way the person will like me, I can just disregard my feelings. As if they were nonexistence. It like having a switch. I can decide when I want to turn on the power and when I want it off. Most of the time I would prefer it to be off. To save electricity.. Or to protect myself from getting electrocuted. Occasionally, there will be cases of malfunctioning. But its no big deal. I just have to learn how to fix it and have a better control. I don't know how to stop this behaviour of mine.

Even if it wasn't one sided, I still can't. I do not have the guts putting in my all. Why? I tried, but I really don't know how to do it. It feels so foreign. Like asking asking an eagle to swim in the ocean, or wearing your shoes on your hands.

Maybe I haven't found the one person that I will go crazy for. I hope so because I want to love for once. I want to know how it feels.

Love

I hate doing this. I hate listening to you talk about your relationships. I hate knowing about how affected you are by your partner. I hate how your partner have a ability to make you upset. I hate to know how you care and love your partner. But I want to know. Even though I know I will never be a part of it. I don't know why. But please, please please please, don't let me fall for you. I'm praying so hard.

Its okay, time will heal this aching of mine.

Take what you need, and be on your way. & stop crying your heart out.

This song leaves so many memories.